
%. C HrJUT. 



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this ^cp^(se^(se 

BY J-C-ALDEN 

DRAWINGS BY B • C • HILLIAM 




Glass P S 2l£j1) 
Book ■ L.i 3 .3 ( . 5 
fiqwightfl I HZ 6 



C.OfYR(GHT DEPOSIT 



Qh u c hje s 



"Fine Words Butter No Parsnips 3 




Hi'M«'«w 



JUN 17 1920 



Qhuc kje s 

THIS IDIOCY BY 

JOHN CARVER ALDEN 



ILLUSTRATIONS BY 
B. C HILLIAM 




BOSTON 
MARSHALL JONES COMPANY 

MDCCCCXX 









COPYRIGHT- I920-BY 
MARSHALL JONES COMPANY 



TBI PLIMPTON PRESS* NORWOOD •MASS'U* S 'A 



©CU570399 



FORE LINES 



FORE LINES 

While "The Odyssey" of Homer is unquestion- 
ably fine, 

It may not be compared with this Idiocy of mine. 

Comparisons are odious; my verse is different, 
quite, 

From that of Mr. Homer's, which is far more 
erudite. 



[7] 



CHUCKLES 



A PLEA FOR NONSENSE 

In moments of anguish how often we find 
Some frivolous thought is engrossing the mind. 
'Tis Nature's relief for the overwrought brain, 
That, otherwise, might not have withstood the 

strain. 
Quite possible that, if taken in season, 
This nonsense may save some tottering reason. 



[8] 



COUPLETS AND QUATRAINS 



[9] 



? 




B. C. *\\\,* 



x»> 



COUPLETS AND QUATRAINS 



AN APOLOGY 

With lovely themes my brain fair teems, 
When I am far from pen and ink. 
But what I cannot understand 
Is why — with pen and ink at hand — 
My stupid mind seems on the blink. 

TRUE DEMOCRACY 

"Mah friend," said Col. Moseby Yards 
(Towards games of chance the Col. leans), 

"We recognize, when slipping cyards, 
The right divine of Kings and Queens." 

MENS SANA 

On shaking my furnace (a figure for mind) 
In its refuse of ashes and clinkers, 

This one feeble spark I happened to find — 
That musicians are always sound thinkers. 



COUPLETS AND QUATRAINS 

AN EPITAPH 

Until her blest abode this gossip gained, 
In ignorance of much, the Lord remained. 

A FIGHTING CHANCE 

O, would I were an Eskimo, 
A-drift upon an Arctic floe: 
For there, 'twere possible to quell 
The spirit of the H. C. L. 

PEERAGE IN THE ANIMAL KINGDOM 

Were knighthood known to that "low-class," 

A belted earl would be the Ass. 
The Zebra with its many a stripe, 
Were still the Ass's prototype. 

TO A CROCUS 

Of all the shameless birds I know, 
The meanest is the thieving Crow. 
And why in him do I find flaws'? 
A woman's reason — just be-caws! 

[13] 



CHUCKLES 



A SMOKE WREATH 

To sing thy praise, beloved pipe. 

I smite the Poet's lyre. 
And pay, while Muse hath fervid gripe, 

This homage to my briar. 



AFTER DINNER COFFEE 

The diffrence 'twixt this cup and Flub, 
Said Snodkins — dining at his club — 
The cup is just a demi-tasse, 
While Flub's a most consummate Ass. 



A VEXED QUESTION SETTLED 

{From Log Found in the Ark Hives) 

Noah was the founder of the A. P. (i) A-ry. 

Later, we find Hamlet in a quan-d-ary. 
'Twould seem as if the fact his mind quite failed 

to seize — 
Else, why raise the question concerning those two 

bees? 

[14] 



CHUCKLES 



SALINITY 

For being too fresh, Mrs. Lot was turned into 
A pillar of salt. Be it known to those kin to 
The lady here named, i.e., the o'er curious, 
That over-much salt is highly injurious. 



PRESENTATION AT COURT 

"Well, what is the charge*?" (The Sergeant 

seemed huffy.) 
'Twas the cop's first arrest; he'd dragged in two 

men. 
"Begorra," quoth Pat, "yez naden't git shtuffy, 
It's chape at foive dollars. Oi'd orter git ten." 



[16] 



CHUCKLES 



A TOAST 

Let whoever will name the Father of Waters — 
He also may christen the sons and the daughters. 
As she rolls to the Gulf in toggery drippy, 
I give you — the Mother — our own Mrs. Sippi. 



ADVANTAGES OF THE ABLATIVE 

The Ass hath speech ! For proof of it 
See statement made in Holy Writ. 
While many asses at this day 
Profess to speak, they do but bray. 



LAMENTABLE 

(A Parody) 

Of all sad words of tongue or quill, 

The saddest are these: "Please pay this bill!" 



[18] 




B . C. WAV 



«»*\ , 



CHUCKLES 



REVISION DOWNWARD 

Time was when we could well afford 
To pay our tithes unto the Lord. 
But since high prices have the call, 
The Devil seems to get it all. 



DREAM STUFF 

There was an old lady named Weymss, 
Who used to have horrible dreymss. 
Kept her neighbors awake 
By the bedlam she'd make 
Emitting her ear-splitting screymss. 



[20] 



CHUCKLES 



A MODERN NARCISSUS 

He stands in garb nocturnal dressed 

Ere turning off the light, 
With lips against the mirror pressed, 

To kiss himself "Good-night." 



IN FRIENDSHIP'S NAME 

In friendship's name 
how many use us, 

And then most shame- 
fully abuse us. 



THE PHILOSOPHER'S CREED 

'Tis dusty when it's dry; 
'Tis muddy when it rains. 
But what's the odds, say I, 
An we remove the stains'? 



[22] 




&. ^< Wil* 



CHUCKLES 



INTESTATE 

That Spifkins left no will seemed odd. 

"Not so" — a wit denied. 
" 'Twas broken by his wife, ecod ! 

Long years before he died !" 



LEGENDARY 

The changes wrought by Fashion's whims 
Extend, 'twould seem, to nether limbs. 
Once, fair maids would fain conceal 'em. 
Now, so dress as to reveal 'em. 



[24] 



LIMERICKS 



[27] 



LIMERICKS 



OWED TO THE LIMERICK 

When minus a venomous sting, 
The Limerick's a mighty good thing. 
For in it, you know, 
One can let himself go, 
And shoot, as it were, on the wing. 

AN ALLEGORY 

There was a gay Widow in Leeds, 
Who planted her Garden with Seeds. 

But she found to her Cost, 

That her Labor was lost, 
For nothing would grow there but Weeds. 

AN INVOLUNTARY TARRY 

A Dealer in Coffees in Havre, 
Long since to buy Goods, went to Java. 
Convulsions volcanic 
Disturbed Things organic. 
He's there to this Day in the Lava. 



[29] 



CHUCKLES 



NEEDS SIFTING 

There's anthracite Coal and bituminous; 
Their Prices, however, are ruinous. 

In their Beds let them lie, 

As in mine so shall I. 
The Reason I think's fairly luminous. 



PEEVED 

There was a young Woman in Dexter, 

Whose Parents said something that vexed her. 

To a Jelly she beat them, 

And proceeded to eat them. 
Which same, you'll admit, quite unsexed her. 



A BLUE STREAK 

He stood at the end of the Quay, 
While watching a Ship put to Suay. 

It -was through a blue Haze 

He dkected his gaze, 
When stung on the Nose by a buay. 

l3of 



CHUCKLES 



AN AMAZING TALE 

An Englishman, home from Hong-Kong, 
Determined, it seems, to go wrong. 
For he entered a Maze, 
Where he ended his Days. 
Requiescat in Pace. Ding-Dong ! 

A CELESTIAL TALE 



t» 



There was an old Chink in Shang-hai, 
Who said to some Friends: ''See me fly! 

Tied his Kite to his Queue, 

And sailed into the blue, 
The Watchers all yelling: "Ki-yi!" 

DEATH IN THE POT 

Said the Chef to a Turtle one day : 
"Come into my Kitchen, I pray." 
But the Turtle replied: 
"Thanks; I'll stay here outside." 
Some Impulses one should obey. 

[32] 



CHUCKLES 



SOME ALTITUDE 

I met up with a Chap from Fayal. 
Who was 9 Feet and 12 Inches tall. 

Had he been any higher. 

You'd have called me a Liar. 
Still, he may have grown some since last Fall, 

A FAR CRY 

A Spinster, one Caroline Kent. 
Whose Life had been sadly miss-spent. 

Cried: "Long have I tarried; 

I want to get married. 
Kind Heaven! Please send me a Gent!" 



A SUCCESSFUL ALIBI 

A bestial Celestial. Lam Chop, 
Was done to his Death by a Cop. 

Facts Jury derided — 

Said Chop suey-cided, 
And there let the whole Matter drop. 

[34] 




** 



CHUCKLES 



JUST CAUSE 

A Woman who lived in Chicago 
Incessantly played Haendel's Largo. 
Her Husband, a coarse Brute, 
Just won his Divorce Suit 
By going no farther than Fargo. 

THE WAY TO THE HEART 

Said a Dog-fish — "I frankly will own 
That I'm sick of this living alone. 

If one's to be had, 

I'll marry a shad, 
Then I'll always be sure of a Bone." 

A TRUE SPORT 

A Sportsman who lived in Bombay, 
For Work, stalked the Tiger by Day. 
But his greatest Delight 
Was to buck him by Night — 
For this he considered mere Play. 



[36] 




ft. r.*V« 



V%*H 



CHUCKLES 



A SCANT OCTAVE 

A Basso, who lived in Toledo, 
Tried singing the Scale a la Guido. 

Sang do — re — mi — fa, 

Sometimes sol — seldom la; 
Quite out of his reach, though, were ti — do. 



AN IRASCIBLE SEAMAN 

A Sailor, who shipped 'fore the Mast, 
Cried: "Ahoy! Belay there! Avast!" 
When he found the Ship's Tonnage 
Wouldn't hold all his Dunnage, 
And then went ashore hard and fast. 



[38] 



CHUCKLES 



THE POWER OF MUSIC 

Said His Grace unto Leopold de Meyer, 
Who had played with great Vigor and Fire, 

"I will pledge you my Word, 

Of all Players Fve heard, 
There's not one that with you can perspire." 



A SUPERSTITIOUS BUYER 

A Mule was shipped on from Brazil. 
Consignee would not pay the Bill — 

Not a Cent would he pay, 
Till he heard the brute bray. 
Said: "I'll not buy a Mule that brays ill." 



[40] 



K - 



AN ART STUDY 

An Ait st, Ke Painting was crude. 
Would pr n depicting the nu. 

W - sad, 

T^as not even bad. 



-'- 




V • 



INDIVIDUAL SALTS 



[451 




4nl*»%u— . 



INDIVIDUAL SALTS 



"SAL ATTICUM" 

An ex-Sailor, Ex-haler of Malt, 

Which his Wife seemed to think was a Fault 

For his Language emphatic, 

She shipped to the Attic, 
Deeming that the best Place for her Salt. 

"CUM GRANO SALIS" 

The Husband of one, Arabella, 

Had stoked on a twin-screw Propeller. 

I have recently learned 

She has had him interned, 
And now keeps her Salt in the Cellar. 

SHAKEN BEFORE TAKEN 

A Physician there was who took ill. 

He prescribed for himself — took a Pill. 
Then he took to his Bed, 
Where they found him stone dead. 

In his Hand, madly clutched, was his Bill. 

— — 



CHUCKLES 



AVOIDING FRICTION 

There was an old, ugly Curmudgeon, 
Who once, in a State of high Dudgeon, 
Seized two little Boys, 
Who were making a Noise, 
And smeared them all over with Gudgeon. 

A PHILOSOPHICAL ANGLER 

A Sportsman went fishing in Maine. 

From biting, the Fish did abstain. 
Still, he caught a small Eel, 
Which he said made him feel 

As though he'd not labored in vain. 

A DISGRUNTLED NIMROD 

A Sportsman went hunting in Maine. 
He looked for big Game, but in vain. 

At last saw a Rabbit; 

Exclaimed then: "O, dab it! 
To shoot that blamed Thing I'll not deign." 

[48] 



CHUCKLES 



A BAD SPELL 

A Tourist, on reaching Cadiz, 
Had a Dentist extract all his Tiz. 
I have heard that he said, 
Without these in the haid, 
The Language one spoke with more Eiz. 

TURNED DOWN 

A dissolute Person from Lynn — 
Long Years had he wallowed in Synn. 
Time came for St. Peter 
To read the Man's Meter — 
You've guessed that he didn't get ynn. 

TAME SPORT 

There was an old Woman in Wales, 
Whose Pastime was hunting for Snails. 

Had a singular Way 

Of bagging her Prey — 
She speared them with ten-penny Nails. 

[50] 



SEMI-QUAVERS 



[5i] 




m 



SEMI-QUAVERS 



MARTYRDOM 

Martyrs, in the early days, 
Were put to death in various ways. 
Some, fast bound by neck and heel, 
Were broken on the cruel wheel. 
And there are those, who, even yet, 
Go broke upon the wheel Roulette. 



FISHERMAN'S LUCK 

When Jonah went aboard the ship, 
To make that record fishing trip, 
He little thought that he would be 
The one to gain celebrity. 

He was, no doubt, thrown overboard 

Because the crew was over-bored. 

We all know what became of Jonah, 

But what of ship, ship's crew, and owner? 

[53? 



CHUCKLES 



BEADLE, BEAGLE, AND DEEDLE 

Mr. Deedle owned a beagle, 

Keeping which was quite illegal, 

For he never paid a license on the hound : 

So one day a Beadle haughty, 

Said to Deedle: "This is naughty, 

And I cannot let your dog run loose around." 

Then this Beadle, mien quite regal, 

Took away from D. his beagle. 

The philosophy of which is clearly sound. 

While a V. from Mr. Deedle, 

The authorities did wheedle, 

As it takes about that sum to make a pound. 

AN ABSCONDER 

There was a crooked man, and he ran a crooked 

mile 
To throw pursuing sleuth hounds off the scent. 
He carried off the swag in one enormous bag, 
And no one, to this day, knows where he went. 



[54] 



SEMI-QUAVERS 



ERUDITION vs. OSTENTATIOUS 
WEALTH 

Of scholars I have known, not any 

Were in the class with Dr. Penny. 

The wisdom which this man possessed 

Exceeded that of all the rest; 

The foolishness of Caleb Pound 

In inverse ratio — as profound. 

If judged by canons of the mart, 

To gain vast wealth were life's chief part. 

The insignificance of pence 

Compared with pounds is evidence 

Mere learning has but little chance 

Wherever Mammon leads the dance. 

A RAKE-OFF 

Though deep the snow, I came one day 
Upon Maud Muller, raking hay. 
The fact were passing strange, I'll own, 
Had this same hay but been new mown. 
But Maud, to feed the horse and cow, 
Was raking it from off the mow. 



[55] 



CHUCKLES 



O, PSHAW 

A NEAR NUDE 

Now, if George Bernard Shaw 
Wished to pose in the raw, 
As he sat in his tub 
For that now famous scrub, 
While as Art 'twas not fine — 
That his look-out, not mine. 
As a pose for the nude 
It was certainly crude ; 
For 'twas nothing but just 
His head, shoulders and bust. 

THE KEY-NOTE 

Without a doubt A flat's the key 
In which to do "My Rosary." 
Note notes chromatically changed, 
As in key's signature arranged. 
To all musicians this must seem 
An interesting color scheme. 



[56] 




B. C Hiili ah. 



SEMI-QUAVERS 



THE PERFECTLY OBVIOUS 

"I'se Mary Anna Lamb," she cried — 
This maid of ebon hue. 
"No need to ask, then," I replied 
"Whose little lamb are ewe." 

"Your father was, 'tis plain to see, 
The black sheep of his family." 
This fine conceit so touched my tickle, 
I forthwith gave the child a nickel. 

AN UNINTENTIONAL HOMICIDE 

I bought a little monkey 
To send my little niece. 
Seems funny that her nunky 
Thus caused her sad demise. 

Lead poison was what killed her — 
The paint was daubed so thick 
On monkey I way-billed her. 
You see 'twas on a stick. 

[59? 



CoeeoiA* \ 




; u/« 



SEMI-OUAVERS 



OBEDIAH 



?" 



"Now, Obediah, you come straight here! 
The voice rings out both shrill and clear. 

But Obediah respondeth not, 
For Obediah is wise, I wot. 

"Guess I kin tell," said Obediah, 
"Whenever fat is in the fire." 



[61] 



CHUCKLES 



CAUSE FOR THANKFULNESS 

"Sad, indeed," moaned the Mole, 

As he dug for his hole, 
"It is to be blind." "True; yet sadder" 

Said the sensible Bat, 

"If added to that, 
You and I were as deaf as the Adder." 



IN THE GRAND CANYON 

AN ALLEGED RONDEAU 

Standing near that awful chasm, 
Little Ellen had a spasm. 
Little Ellen often has 'em. 

When Little Ellen had this spasm, 
She stood a bit too near the chasm. 
Now Little Ellen never has 'em. 



[62] 



SEMI-QUAVERS 



LETTERED 

There was a man — his name was p.p. 

And he was very y.y. 

He knew enough to cross his t.t. 

And also dot his i.i. 

One thing to do, though, he'd ref-u.u. 

He would not mind his p.p. and q.q. 

Who ever made our a.b.c.c. 

He, too, was very y.y. 

Suppose we had to dot our t.t. 

And always cross our i.i.? 

I know that sailors cross the c.c. 

And they may do so if they plea-e.e. 



[63] 



THE SUBTLETY OF MOTHER GOOSE 



[65] 



SUBTLETY OF MOTHER GOOSE 

No. i 
LITTLE MISS MUFFET 

If Little Miss Muffet, 

Who sat on a tuffet, 

Had not at the spider demurred — 

Instead of retreating 

Had kept right on eating, 

I wonder what would have oc-curd. 

No. 2 

SIMPLE SIMON 

Had Simple Simon met the Pieman 

Coming from the Fair, 

S. Simon ne'er had said to Pieman : 

"Let me taste your ware." 

The Pieman then, not having any, 

Would not have asked to see the penny. 

[In these examples one may see 
The working out of Destiny. ~\ 

— 



CHUCKLES 



No. 3 

AN EXCERPT 

The sportive bovine of M. Goose, 

That leapt through space and cleared the Moon, 

Must know that e'en the most obtuse 

Now treats the tale but as a rune. 

From Camouflage we take our cue ; 
To Camouflage we make our bow. 
It may have been the Moon was blue ; 
It may have been a purple cow. 



[68] 



SKETCHES AND TALES 



[69] 



SKETCHES AND TALES 



WHEN I WENT WEST 

My Aunt Jane, married name Driscoe, 

Lives out West in San Francisco. 

Ma took sick — nothing serious — 

Her ill turns always weary us — 

Said I made an awful racket. 

Father vowed he'd warm my jacket. 

But Ma thought she might stand the strain 

If I was sent to stay with Jane. 

So off I went, and that's how is it 

I came to make Aunt Jane that visit. 

Was gone from home some three months, maybe. 

When I got back I found a baby. 

And Ma she 'fessed, she rather guessed 

What would happen, when I went West. 



[71] 



CHUCKLES 



AT THE MUSEUM 

(O.B.C.T.) 

Attracted by thy bulk, each day 
Behold me here my court to pay. 
To be exact, I'd state, fair maid, 
This courtship has to be prepaid. 
For ev'ry solitary time 
The management demands a dime 
Ere entrance to thy court I gain. 
'Tis on my purse a heavy drain. 

Mountain of female loveliness, 

Upon thy weight I lay great stress. 

Of all the "Stars," my load thou art; 

While of them thou art still a-part. 

Unlike the vulgar horde who gape 

And marvel at thy uncouth shape, 

Transfixed, I try, with modest gaze, 

To estimate thy win some weighs. 

What poet was it, by the by, 

Who wrote the line: "Give sigh for sigh'"? 

In this affair I'd put him wise, 

[72] 



SKETCHES AND TALES 



And substitute "Give sighs for size." 

Some day I'll come, but you'll have flown. 

A figurative phrase I'll own: 

'Twere more appropriate to say 

That you'd departed — gone a weigh 

To hold, elsewhere, your so v' reign sway. 

Most fitting cadence for this lay. 

THE ACID TEST 

I met a man some time ago, 

Whom I had much desired to know. 

His gracious mien, and winning smile — 

In him you'd swear there was no guile. 

Ef tsoon he asked me would I cash 

His cheque. Compliance seemed most rash. 

My Bank account was running low, 

And yet I could not say him No. 

Nine persons out of ten of those 

Who read this will, of course, suppose 

The cheque was worthless — as did I; 

The fact I'll not attempt deny. 

But for their benefit I'll say 

The Bank declared the same O.K. 

[73? 



CHUCKLES 



AN UNFILIAL SON 

To call him vicious, who, at nine, 
Could kill his Pa, and not repine, 
Would be, at least, arraignment mild. 
Yet, that he did, this wayward child. 
While subsequent events all prove 
He knew naught of the verb "to love." 
An ancient Aunt he also sent 
The same way that his Father went. 
Then nearly all his rel-a-tives 
Gave up, in turn, their precious lives. 
Almost superfluous to add 
That, when grown up, he turned out bad. 
Such acts as these would tend, at least, 
To prove this pachyderm a beast, — 
(Appropriately named Avernus.) 
His future deeds need not concern us, 
As they would only serve to irk us. 
He, later, travelled with a Circus. 



[74] 



SKETCHES AND TALES 



A PELAGIC TRAGEDY 

I walked on the beach, within easy reach 
Of a beautiful moonlit bay. 

And the Sun beat down on my poor bald 
crown — 
'Twas a fearsome mid-August day. 

As I strolled along I trolled a song, 
In sundry and various keys. 

But never a word from my lips was heard, 
For as fast as they came they would freeze. 

At the turn of the tide were a groom and a bride 
Enjoying their brief honeymoon. 

Forgive me, I pray, for neglecting to say 
That the Month of the Year was June. 

And many a stare at that radiant pair 
Gave I from under my hat. 

Try hard as I dared, I never once shared 
A breath of their soulful chat. 

[75] 



CHUCKLES 

It happened so quick, and the tears fall thick, 
E'en now as I picture the scene. 

A monstrous big wave dashed them both to 
one grave — 
Old Ocean that grave will keep green. 

The sea claimed its own, while I, turned to 
stone, 
Made a wild, demoniacal grab. 

Alas ! 'Twas too late — both had gone to their 
fate. 
The jelly-fish and the poor crab. 



A TALE OF THE ROAD 



I walked a lonely country road, 
And sat me down to rest. 
The Sun was sinking a la mode 
Adown the Crimson West. 

"[76] 



SKETCHES AND TALES 



The day and I were both far spent. 
My feet were very sore. 
Since sun-up they at least had went 
Some thirty miles or more. 



My grammar here is badly spliced? 
True poets ne'er lack nerve. 
Though sense itself be sacrificed, 
The rhyme they will preserve. 



The day had been intensely hot — 
But one of many such — 
The Earth was like a melting pot. 
Sol had her in his clutch. 



[77] 



CHUCKLES 



As I was taking of mine ease, 
The sound of wheels drew nigh. 
I raised myself upon my knees, 
And cocked my weather eye. 



When tramping on the road, care-free, 
To dangers I'm not blind; 
So keep things well in front of me, 
Nor leaving much behind. 



And then, as if at my behest, 
Although of course 'twas not, 
The carriage, when it came abreast, 
Stopped short right on the spot. 

T78] 



SKETCHES AND TALES 



8 



I said : now then to find the cause : 
No sooner said than done. 
Right in the teeth of all known laws, 
The source and mouth were one. 



The horse, a sorry beast at best, 

A skeleton, almost, 

Laid down, and, as you may have guessed, 

Just yielded up the ghost. 



10 



A couple in the carriage sat, 

And they were face to face. 

Nor seemed to know where they were at. 

An aggravated case. 



[79] 



CHUCKLES 



11 



Perforce the labial contact showed 
Ignition at some head, 
But not enough to move the load. 
The spark-plug had gone dead. 



THE SAD TALE OF 
TENDER-HEARTED PETER B. 

I sing the tale as told to me 
Of tender-hearted Peter B. 

At sight of blood he'd turn quite faint, 
As some will do at smell of paint. 

The strangest thing about it is 
To find him in the butcher biz. 



He did not kill the steers and such, 
Fo 

[80] 



For that were asking over-much. 



SKETCHES AND TALES 



The patient kine might chew the cud 
Till crack o'doom, e'er he'd shed blood. 

'Tis easy for the active mind 
Convenient loop-holes though to find. 

He hired a man to do that job, 
And paid him weekly fifteen bob. 

Most business men proclaim their line 
O'er door of shop on gilded sign. 

No sign of sign his shop did grace, 
One simply had to know the place. 

For Peter could not bear to see 
His name on letters bold and free. 

For at the sight he'd throw a fit. 
You deem this foolish 4 ? Wait a bit! 



He might as well have tried to kill, 
As try receipt a single bill. 



[81] 



CHUCKLES 



So, for this reason, you can see 
His terms were strictly C.O.D. 

At last things came to such a pass, 
He could not use a looking glass. 

To see himself reflected there 

Would cause to stand on end each hair — 

Or would, had he not worn a wig, 
Which proved him something of a prig. 

Now comes the part my halting verse 
Had really rather not rehearse. 

Biographers may have no choice; 
Their subject's lives they have to voice. 

If one has ever tried to shave, 

He knows, if he his face would save, 

He has to stand before a glass, 
And watch most carefully each pass 



SKETCHES AND TALES 



Of razor over cheek and jowl, 

An even then he'll sometimes howl. 

In forceful language he'll express 
His state of mind, with some excess. 

So Peter now, with savage oath, 

Tries hard to scrape a three week's growth. 

Eschewing mirrors, fails to see 
His precious physiognomy. 

There are some scenes my feeble pen 
May not depict. Consider then 

The distance — not so very far — 
From one's own chin to jugular. 

Twelve tried and true, with Thomas Baines 
As Foreman, sat on his remains. 

And from the inquest 'twould appear, 
His throat was cut from ear to ear. 



[83] 



CHUCKLES 



ADDENDUM 

Let those who have the time to spare 
These leger lines peruse with care. 

Of light they should let in a flood. 
His name in full was Peter Blood. 



[84] 



AT LAST 



IN CONCLUSION 

To say I think my verse is great, 
I'll frankly own Yd hesitate. 
Still, Vm content if in this chaff 
The Reader finds e'en half a laugh, 



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liiiilii J 

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